Pandemic and Pregnancy: First Trimester

I hate the first trimester of pregnancy. It never made any sense to me that the first trimester is where most women feel the worst, but are expected to keep the pregnancy a secret. Like,

I’m super sick all the time every day, but it’s fine coworkers, family, and friends! I’m not contagious! I simply gag at the smell of your deodorant, have an aversion to loud noises and light, and I feel like crying all the time. . . Seriously, I’m fine!

It’s a wonder any woman makes it past 12 weeks before telling her coworkers the news.

And then, when every food in the world sounds like it might kill you. Someone on Twitter posts a picture of funeral potatoes, and suddenly you HAVE TO HAVE THEM.

And despite the desperate need you have for funeral potatoes, you get home from work and none have materialized for you like you hoped they would. *Thanks a lot hubby*

So you go to the store,

buy all the stuff to make them,

come home,

make them,

take two bites,

then run to the bathroom because that is definitely not what your body or your baby actually wanted.

Then the leftovers sit in the fridge for a little too long because you definitely do NOT want funeral potatoes again during this pregnancy.

One day, while visiting family around 12 weeks, an aunt asked me how the first trimester had been, about the same as the first? or worse?

“Oh about the same!” I lied while smiling to hide my nausea and exhaustion.

My husband walked in behind me and with wide eyes shook his head emphatically.

Maybe it was the unexpectedness of the pregnancy. Maybe it was the fact that I was working full time. Maybe it was because I was still coping with postpartum depression from my first pregnancy. Whatever the case, the first trimester was full of emotions, cravings, migraines, and nausea.

I depended heavily on my therapist to get me through that first twelve weeks.

I want to say I was excited, and that would be true. But the greater truth is, the first trimester was full of fear for me. I worried about everything.

1. Would my body be able to handle another pregnancy right now? What about my brain?

2. Would I be able to have a successful vaginal birth so soon after a c-section?

3. How would Stefan and I take care of two babies under two?

4. How would this affect Stefan’s schooling?

5. How would this affect my job? Could we really afford this?

I spent the first trimester mad at God because I felt so completely out of control. I took birth control religiously. I was taking care of myself physically and emotionally. I was finally starting to feel normal again after my first pregnancy and I was excited about that. I wasn’t ready for such a big change!

Despite my surprise, I want to make it clear that this pregnancy was not a mistake. Saying it was a mistake implies that something went wrong like a pill was missed or a condom was broken. No mistakes were made. This child was a gift from a God with a different plan than mine, and at first, that REALLY bugged me.

It felt like what I wanted didn’t matter to God. I could plan, work, and do my part and no matter what I did, He would just swoop in at the last second and change the plan.

Because of this, I lost motivation for everything. I started to just go through the motions of my life. Work, home, eat, sleep. I started watching a LOT of Netflix as a way to tune out any other part of life. 10 weeks is plenty of time to burn through all six seasons of Private Practice right?

Thank goodness for my OB and my therapist! During this time, they saw my changing moods and kept a close tab on my mental health. With a few grounding exercises, more attention to my personal cognitive distortions, the right medication, and a lot of work, I was able to start feeling like myself again.

Just in time for the rest of the world to fall apart. . .

#parenting #mother #god #Pandemic #Pregnancy #faith #PersonalHistory #COVID19 #familyhistory